In mid-July we came home from our afternoon training session
to discover that it was Sasha’s 73rd birthday. Iulia’s youngest sister Nadia and her husband
Sergei were there along with Lilia’s whole family. Iulia had again made way more food than could
possibly be eaten, and they served their own wine and samagon and Valeri
brought a bottle of champagne as well.
We have learned that being invited to a birthday masa is lovely but you
have to approach the food knowing that it is a marathon, not a sprint.
A few days later I developed a nasty bug that had me in bed
for a day. In the early afternoon I was
awakened by Iulia shouting my name.
Coming to my senses slowly I looked outside and saw the wind blowing and
clouds developing and I thought Iulia was telling me to get our laundry off the
line and inside before the storm approached.
Later I found that I couldn’t have been more wrong.
It turns out that Sasha had collapsed while working in the
garden and Iulia, by herself, had picked him up and carried him to the house
and called the ambulance. I can’t tell
you how badly I felt about my inability to understand what Iulia had been
saying during the emergency. Sasha was
taken by ambulance to the hospital where to our shock, he died the next day.
We informed our LTI’s and they put us in contact with the
medical office. All of the Moldovan
staff, LTI’s and doctors felt that we should spend a few days in the medical
facility in Chișinău in order to avoid the Moldovan funeral traditions which
they told us would be difficult for us.
Through Danni, our family interpreter we told Iulia that we could spend
a few days away or were willing to stay and support her, whichever was more comfortable
for her. She told us to stay, of course
although in hindsight we wonder if this was part of the “say no three times”
tradition. Against the better judgment
of our LTI’s and the medical team we were going to participate in the family’s
Moldovan funeral rites for our friend Sasha.
Although we had only been with Sasha and Iulia for a few
weeks we had been together every day and they had truly made us feel like
family and our hearts were heavy with grief.
Valeri and Sergei went to the hospital on Saturday morning to pick up
Sasha. Iulia and her sister Nadia went
to Chisinau to shop for all the things they needed for the funeral. While we are sure family traditions vary, we
understand that what we were about to experience is very typical of an Orthodox
funeral in a Moldovan village.
The room we were staying in was the largest room in the
house, the summer room, known as the “camera mare”. At Iulia’s request we packed everything up
and moved into a room in the main house so that our room could be used for the
viewing. Iulia’s sisters arrived and the
house had to be cleaned from top to bottom before the casket arrived. Inside and out the house and garden were
cleaned polished and swept. Iulia’s
oldest sister was in charge of the kitchen and food was prepared so that if
anyone needed to eat it was available.
Big boxes filled with the wreath shaped loaves of specialty
bread called “colac” were brought in along with boxes of candy and
cookies. Iulia and Nadia returned with
huge bags of all kinds of gift items as though they had to provide Christmas
for the whole village….little did we know.
Weddings and funerals are the most expensive events in the life of
Moldovans families; in this case, we found, it is traditional for the spouse of
the deceased to give a gift, of relative importance to everyone in the village that
was part of their lives, in remembrance.
The gifts were amazing, an entire dining service, table (must
be from the grandparent’s house) and chairs with cloths, dishes, flatware and
glassware to match are traditionally given to the oldest grandchild. With this gift comes the obligation to help
care for the remaining grandparent. The
younger grandchildren received a complete set of bedding, sheets, pillows, and
blanket. The pall bearers each received
beautiful blankets for their homes and a brand new bucket half filled with wine
or samagon that Sasha had made. Later, after
the casket was placed in the cemetery these men carried the buckets around with
a cup and gave everyone a drink in memory of Sasha. The priest was handed cash and a live
chicken, close family and friends received all manner of household items, even
people from the village who were not particularly close to the family all
received a cup filled with cookies and candy or a tea towel with candy tied in
the ends.
When Valeri arrived home with Sasha’s body the sisters
washed and dressed him in his best suit and then he was laid in the casket on
the floor in the camera mare with a table that had flowers, an empty bowl for
people to leave money in, wine with glasses, candy and a bowl of flour with a
whole pile of unlit candles next to it and a few lit candles standing up in the
flour. As people came to visit and pay
their respects they would light a candle, sip some wine or eat a candy and
visit with Iulia and Lilia for a few minutes.
Everyone who stopped by seemed to bring an armful of flowers
which were put in big buckets by the door so they could make the trip to the
cemetery the next day. It is traditional
in Moldova to give flowers for many occasions, for birthdays and celebrations
you always give an odd number of flowers, for a funeral it is always an even
number.
After Valeri had brought Sasha home and had run the errands
necessary for the funeral, he had the very difficult task of driving out to the
summer camp where 11 year old Iuliana was to be for two weeks, to break the
news and bring her home for the funeral.
Lilia and Daniela had been helping with all the arrangements and when
Valeri arrived back with Iuliana it was a very emotional time for the whole
family. These beautiful children loved
their grandfather very much and it was heartbreaking to see them grieving.
The family stays up all night before the funeral and they do
not bathe, shave or change clothes from the time of the death until three days
after the funeral. On the day of the
funeral people do not great each other nor do they introduce people to each
other by name or shake hands.
Fortunately one of Iulia’s sisters used charades and a friend with a few
words of English to help us understand that there was a reason why all these
people were not introducing themselves, and that we should not introduce
ourselves either.
The morning of the funeral the casket (the casket lid is a
separate piece and the casket is left open until just before it is interred)
was brought outside so that Iulia could give her gifts to everyone. Iulia stood on one side of the casket and
called out people’s names and they came forward to say a final good-bye to
Sasha and to receive their gift over the body in remembrance of Sasha. After all the gifts are given (in this case
it was easily 40-50 people) the priest begins the blessings over the body and
soon we are all in a procession walking to the church.
In Moldova the Orthodox services are all sung, the priests
are very talented and it was moving, even though we understood only a few
words. Everyone stood in the church
(there are no benches or chairs in this church) during the service, the women
all had their heads covered with a scarf and everyone, including us, were holding
burning candles during the service.
When we left the church the casket with all the flowers was
loaded onto the back of a flatbed truck that had been completely covered in
carpets and Iulia and a few other family members climbed up to ride with Sasha
to the cemetery. The cemetery is in the
next village so all the mourners got on a bus and into minibuses (hired for the
day) and were driven over for the rest of the service. The priests lead the way and they carried
incense and sang blessings all the way to the grave site.
The pall bearers brought the casket from the truck to the
site, set it on the mound of soil next to the grave, and began serving the wine
from their buckets. The priests gave a
final blessing, and sprinkled wine over the body after which the lid was
brought up and nailed in place. The
casket was lowered and everyone walked past and threw a handful of soil into
the grave and said their final good-byes.
The grave was then filled immediately by men from the village (possibly
some family members), using shovels.
At this point everyone returned to the buses and were taken
back to the village where a large restaurant had been set up for a memorial
masa (which the family is paying for) for about 100 people. Outside there were a couple of friends with
buckets of clean water and towels so that everyone could wash their hands after
handling the soil at the cemetery. We
all took our seats and after a brief prayer the food was served and the wine
began to flow and with them people told stories and spoke of their memories about
Sasha. When the masa ended everyone went
home and the family was left alone for the first time in days.
We had contacted James, a volunteer that had stayed with
Sasha and Iulia during PST the previous year, about the funeral and he managed
to arrive in the village during the masa.
Iulia was very happy to see him again during this difficult time and we
were glad that he was able come to the village and help support the family
during this very sad and difficult time.
We wish that our language had been good enough to completely
understand the rituals and traditions; unfortunately we probably missed a lot
and assuredly there were things we did not understand, but what we do
understand is that losing a loved one causes the same pain, everywhere in the
world, regardless of the traditions that surround the event.
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